Feelings...The F word

I'm going to talk about this title at the end of the blog. So feel free to read that first if you like, but I would rather start by bringing you up to date with all of my life happenings.

So my new scaves were pretty much a life saver this week. The windows were always being opened, usually by a male. I can no longer say always because some girls have started doing it to and I can't say just teenage boys because the male teachers are also doing it. It was definetly chilly here. Autumn has really hit and I wore my long, black, winter jacket all week. I could have even used gloves today, but I forgot them at the house. Heck I could wear my gloves all day at school. I still don't understand this opening windows phenomenon!

Oh that reminds me of a funny story! So the bedroomo I inhabit here is actually Stephan's old room. (This is important reader.) I also have his computer in my room so he asked if he could use it while I was watching some Gilmore Girls in the living room. I said that would be fine, like I mean it is his room, even though I am borrowing it for awhile doesn't give me the right to say of course you can't. So he was using the computer. (I had just finished telling him about how I didn't understand why people were always opening the windows when it was so cold.) <---This is important reader.

So after he was finished using the computer he came out. I was just coming upstairs, when he yelled CRAP and ran back into my room. He came back out and told me that he had opened the window while he was in there and had just run in to close it. We both laughed pretty hard. So it is offically a German thing to open the windows no matter how cold it is!

So back to scarves. Scarves are great, so are sweaters. I love sweaters! I really think that I could wear gloves all the time in the classroom though. Jeeze it is so cold. Forget about wearing a t-shirt. In the winter you could do that in my school because people didn't open the windows and we had a heater. There is no way I am going to pull a stunt like that here!

Marion, my host mother, and I were talking one evening this week I'm not sure which one, it doesn't really matter when. Anyways we were talking about Germany and it's differences with Canada. She asked me if I found the people colder here than in Canada. Marie's, the daugher of my second host family who is currently in Canada, mother asked me the same question and I quickly said that I hadn't experienced that.

Well reader, when Marion brought it up I have to say that yes I have found them colder. My first host family has not been cold, neither have the Rotarians, or my second host family, but people at school definetly are. I talked about the ignoring thing in a previous post and that is part of it. A lot of the time I am completely invisible to them. The ice is just starting to break. People are starting to aknowledge me, but it is a very slow process.

It is a little bit hard and I am so lucky that I have Theresa. If I had been by myself, oh gosh I don't even want to think about that. At least with her I have a group of people to be with, and they are the ones who are starting to aknowledge me more. Some of the other kids are too, but I have noticed this more so with Theresa's friends. The thing I have to remember is that it has nothing to do with me as a person, it's just the way they are. So I am kind, I smile, I hold open doors, and just generally be my likeable self and I think that is breaking down some of the barriers. It's a slow process, but the flip side to this coin is that although Germans are said to be cold, they also say that once a friendship is developed it is a very strong one.

My Politics teacher has continued to be very kind to me. I have three lessons with him in a week and after everyone he comes over to me and asks what I understood in the class and then explains to me the gist of the lesson. I am so touched that he has taken the time and effort to do that. Guess what reader?? On Wednesday in one of his classes I understood the gist of the class conversation. I actually understood what was going on around me! By no means did I understood all the teacher said, or the things the students said, but I understood the gist and some of the individual comments. Incredible?? Ya tell me about it, it felt incredible.

On Wednesday after school I helped Stephan pick apples from their apple tree and clean up all of the bad ones. It wasn't exactly how I expected to spend my afternoon, but I didn't mind. It was a new experience and it felt good to be giving something back to the family. In the evening

Stephan took me bowling again with his friends. I had a bit of a rough start, but the second round of bowling I did really quite well. It was fun and one of his friends and I had little conversations in German. I really appreciated her taking an interest in me. At this bowling place if you roll high numbers two dices you can save money on your bowling. I rolled last time really well. I saved them 10 Euros and this time again I was lucky and I saved them 12 Euros. So I'm lucky. Hehehe

That brings me to Thursday. The day was long, Drama was good. We are going to be going on a trip with the cast. I am pretty excited. It will be in November for 3 or 4 days. I am jazzed about that!!! We will probably be performing the play in January. We are still playing around with ideas of how to portray a crazy person and the voices that Deborah hears. It's pretty neat.

I have a pretty interesting story which happened today. Theresa and I came to school and we had one class which was cancelled. So we walked over to a table with one of the "popular guys". I was pretty shocked that we did this, but at the same time not quite so shocked. I was shocked because Theresa isn't one of the quote on quote popular girls. I would definetly never see this happen at my school.

I find that the groups in Canada are very clearly defined. In Germany the groups exist, but they aren't quite as clear. I knew that he was from the quote on quote popular group, but everybody talks with everyone here. There also isn't a quote on quote nerd group. There isn't a nerd group because this is a high school which is only for students who are going to University. There are three different types of high schools which students are streamed into. This one is for the brightest kids. So there are still all of the different groups, but intelligence is admired and sought after. To be a nerd in our society is usually given a negative light. That is not the case here. I like that lol.

Back to the table. So Theresa and I sat down with him. They talked a little and it was no big deal. They were both doing homework so I started working on my German. All of a sudden he asks if he can see what I was doing. I reluctantley gave him the papers with the 20 words that I had memorized yesterday and had been testing myself on. He looks at the paper and says, in German, how cool it is what I am doing. Well I think my jaw hit the floor. THEN, oh yes reader it is not over yet, he began testing me. He would read a word in English and I would tell him the word in German. He kept repeating how cool it was that I was doing this. Then he gave it back to me and let me keep working. I was completely floored. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I completely was.

So now to the title of my blog. The real F word...feelings. People are pretty scared of that word. To feel anything, any kind of emotion is to cross into a world of little control and to feel completely vulnerable. Some people can't handle that, but I think it's important to connect with ones feelings no matter what they are. Yes feeling can be terrifying, but I think it's scarier not to feel.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I've had a few days when I've felt down, but until yesterday they were just little blips on the radar. My day at school was fine, because lets face it lol it was a THURSDAY. I LOVE THURSDAY'S. Thursdays equal Drama and Drama equals happiness. It was after Drama when I got home that things started to get a bit rough for a lot of reasons.

The biggest reason is that my birthday is coming up. I don't remember ever having a birthday when I wasn't with my family or my friends. I don't ever remember a birthday being really complicated or upseting. Well, this one is. My host family really want to make sure that it's a great day, so they wanted me to tell them what I wanted to eat for the meal, what I wanted for a cake for at home, what I wanted to take for a cake to school, what did I want them to buy me, etc. This was completely overwhelming.

I know that they mean well and they are just trying to make everything wonderful, but the fact is I'm a guest here. Lutz and Marion are not my parents, Jonas, Ann-Katrin, and Stephan are not my sister, and the little relationships I am forming at school cannot even compare to deep relationships I have with some of my friends. I'm spending one of the biggest milestones in my life among strangers. This was a slap in the face, a bit of a shock.

I felt very weird about telling them what I wanted. They were really insistent so I had to make some decisions, so I did, but it felt very weird. They also said I should invite some friends from school for a little birthday party. So I am doing that but, I feel really weird about that too. They barely know me, I barely know them...

So all of these questions and decisions about my birthday have happened in the past few days and it stressed me out. Ontop of that homesickness has hit. I knew I would be homesick at Christmas for sure, but I wasn't really expecting it to hit on my birthday. So it all acumulated last night and I went upstairs to my room and let myself feel. I let myself feel everything. I put some music on and cried.

I don't feel comfortable crying in front of my host family. I'm sure they would be great about it, but crying to me is a very private emotion. I do and can cry in front of people, but only those that I'm really comfortable with. (The opportunity to cry also has to arise while I'm with them. And if I haven't cried in front of you that doesn't mean that I don't trust you.) I think it's also important for you to know that I trust my host parents and that they are taking good care of me here. This has everything to do with me, all of the stuff about my birthday was just the tip of the iceberg.

Today was an alright day. I got to sleep in a bit longer and school was shorter. The most eventful stuff happened after I got home. I have to quickly throw in a bit of background information. I bought some running shoes yesterday, because I wanted to start up running again. So today after we had eaten lunch and I'd chilled for a little while I decided to go on a run. Stephan ended up asking to join me and I said OK.

So I started running. Gosh did it feel good. I was also able to feel results, fast. I liked that. While learning a new language it often feels so slow, you definetly are making improvements, but it feels like a slow process. That's why running felt so good.

Back to running...it felt great to have my shoes hitting the grass, the breeze in my hair, but it was more than that. It was also really good for me emotionally because these past few days I have been feeling so many different emotions. There have also been awkward language situations where you just want to get up and run away. So I thought why not do just that. Now before you freak out, take away off of "run away". I am not planning to get up and run away from Oberellenbach or Germany. What I mean is, why not run to get rid of these emotions. I hope that makes sense, it does to me anyway.

After I got back from running I had some water, an apple, and a shower. Then I returned to the great outdoors, this time alone. I walked for an hour and half. This time I let my mind race. I just let it go crazy. I let myself deal with and feel all of the emotions I had been experiencing. After I got back I realized that my mind had slowed down considerably and I was much more at peace.

So lately I've been doing a lot of feeling. However, wallowing is not something I am going to indulge in. Now I've felt all of my emotions and I can move on from here. My shoulders feel like they have relaxed a lot. (That's where all of my stress, goes into my shoulders.)

I want to dedicate this post to my parents. While I was walking and sorting everything out I realized that I have a pretty good handle on things and that's thanks to them. I knew that I needed to connnect with me emotions and feel for awhile, so I did it. I've been realizing lately that my body and my mind have been stressed out and I learned that from my mom. She always taught me to connect with my feelings and listen to my body. She also taught me to trust my gut and "my radar", this has served me well here.

At the airport my dad had a speech prepared for me. One of the things he said really stuck with me. He said to go and have no fear. Now of course I'm going to be scared at times, but I'm standing my ground. The only running away I'll be doing is the kind with my lulu's and some sneakers.

I want to thank them for taking me on all those hikes, even when I was complaining. I want to thank them for taking me on walks and showing me the value of exercise. You don't really know what you have until it's gone. My bus stop is a minute's walk from my house and it drops me off right in front of the school. I have never walked so little in my life, so these hour and a half walks with Anton are really amazing. I never realized that would be something I would miss. I also want to thank them for cooking so well for me at home and teaching me about good, and healthy choices. Now that I have to make those decisions for myself I appreciate your example and that you took the time to teach me.

You've really prepared me for life. Of course you haven't taught me everything, but I need to figure some of it out for myself right? =P I feel confident that I can make the decisions I need to make. Thanks for all that you are and all that you do.

So now I have my plan on how to deal with all of these different feelings. So come on Germany throw everything you've got, because I'm ready. I was born ready! In some ways I think that my ability to plan has been my greatest strength here. I have planned how to learn the language and I've been following that and making progress. Now I've figured out how to cope with all of the different emotions I'm feeling, so that I am able to live life to the fullest here.

I think my second greatest strength is to stay positive. It's imporant to feel, but not to wallow. Negativity does nothing, but hurt you. It also takes so much energy to be negative and I need all of the energy I can get, just to learn the language here. And what does negativity give you...?? The answer is nothing. It only harms you and makes you doubt yourself.

This is such an amazing opportunity and I want to embrace all of it. I can't do that if I'm stuffing down my emotions. It also helps that I am at the prime of my life. That I can just go out and run for a half hour because I think that will help me.

That's part of the beauty of being young. Being young also means that there are so many opporunities and options. I can do anything, absolutely anything. That is beautiful, terrifying, and exilerating all at the same time. This is especially the case after you have just graduated from high school. It's like having your pen poised to write on page one of a diary. That is a wonderful feeling, but so is looking back and reading all that you have written.

So I know that I am going to be sore tomorrow, but I'm ready for that too. Mentaly I am in a good place right now, and I'm ready for the weekend. Thanks for your comments, e-mails, and support. You keep me grounded and strong. I miss you tons, but if you take away anything from this crazy long post it's that I'm OK, well better than OK. I'm here, I'm strong, and I'm ready for what ever comes my way. Oh ya and tonight I am going to be ridiculously lazy. I have TOTALLY earned it.

P.S. As usual the spell check doesn't want to do it's job, so you'll just have to find my spelling mistakes endearing. =P